I'm Doin' These Too, Y'all!
by Prince of Anything
Summary: Yes, due to an author's boredom, poor South  former Confederacy  has been forced to answer letters. Union is probably watching in amusement as we speak. R&R!
1. To the World

Hey y'all,

…And I have NO FUCKING CLUE what else to write. I hate starting letters.

Uh, let's see… My name _used _t'be the Confederate States of America, but now I don't even really know anymore (thanks _a lot, _Lee). I represent the Southern half of the US (make any smart comments about that, and I'll kill you).

So… Send in your letters, or giiiiiiiiiiiit out! (Puny South Park reference… That's jus' tragic, sorry y'all had to even read that…)

James C. Jones (Southern USA)


	2. America

_Heyyyyy Souuuth! :D_

_So, you finally jumped on the bandwagon and started doing these letters too! Did somebody talk you into this? 'Cause last time I checked, you totally hated everybody in the whole world besides you._

_Well, as awesome a brother as I am, I can't know EVERYTHING, so I stiiill have just, like, maybe four or five questions._

_First off, how many guns exactly DO you own, and just how many do you have on you right now? I wanna know just how scared I should REALLY be when I piss you off._

_Is Kesha technically one of yours or one of mine? If she's one of yours, you can have her, I just wanted to check._

_How do you feel about Pumas? :3_

_Why are you racist? D:_

_And last, can I borrow your truck? :D_

_From the BEST LITTLE BROTHER IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE,_

_Alfred F. Jones_

Dear Union (AKA dumbass yank),

How is it I could tell this was from you just from seeing that stupid ass smiley? Not that, y'know, the greeting or the illegible freaking handwriting didn't help.

I started these letters 'cause somebody made me, and JUST SO YOU KNOW, it ain't _everybody _I hate. Just you.

I ain't about to tell you what I do and do not own, boy, but just know you should be very, _very _scared. Level of one to ten how scared you should be? Fucking _twelve_.

Kesha… The glittery one? I dunno. I think she's technically yours and Joseph's, since she was born in California… Raised in Tennessee, though, and she seems to like me… Whatever, man, _take _her.

And what in Sam Hell is a Puma? Stop makin' up animals! What, I guess next you're gonna be aking me about leprechauns? Big Foot? That Mexican lizard, sucks all the blood… Chupa-thingy?

I AM NOT RACIST! That's only some'a my people, and _those_'re all the ones nobody likes! Like bitter old folks and stupid redneck boys. Nobody cares what they think anyway! So leave me alone about it!

NO, YOU CAN NOT. You can _pay a fee _to _touch _my truck, but that's _all. _

Best of anything _my ass…_

James


	3. Hawaii

_Aloha, Hema~! __**(a/n: 'South')**_

_You're answering letters now? Yaaayyy! That makes me haaaappy! ^-^_

_Um… I had a few things to say, but I sorta forgot some of it~! Lol_

_Oh, right! Hema, would it be okay if I visited you and Carolina sometime? I miss you! And you can come visit me anytime! We have lots of things to do over here… I promise you won't have to wear one of those 'flower thingies'… *giggle* Pinky swear, no leis! I really really promise so just please come see me one day, okay? _

_Also, also! How is your puppy? She's sooooo cuuute! I miss her too… Can I have a picture? Pleeeease?_

_And Kaikunane __**(a/n: 'big brother', Alfred) **__told me you hated him… Is it true? If so, please don't! I don't like seeing the two of you_ _fight. And Kaikunane is really really sad right now, so please talk to him, Hema! DDD,:_

_I'm really happy that you started a letter fic! You never ever do things like this, so I'm glad that you're participating! :D_

_A hui hou! Aloha au iaoe, Hema! __**(a/n: 'Until next time! I love you, South!')**_

_Nani Kealoha Jones (Moku'aina o Hawai'i, the State of Hawaii)_

Dear Hawaii,

Hmm… Didn't quite get that. No hablo Hawaiian-o. But… Whatever it was… Thanks?

Anyway, I'm glad I could make you happy just by doing this. Doesn't take a lot, does it? Eh, that's a good thing. If it did, me and your other big brothers wouldn't get to see your smile as often. Don't change, Hawaii.

You _know _you can come over any time, darlin'. You'd be bored as hell, though. Sure, I'll come over sometime… You're serious about that no flower thing, right?

She's not really a puppy anymore… Savannah's really big now. She _is _a lab, y'know… Yeah, I'll send you a picture.

It's not that I really _hate _him, it's just… He gets on my nerves. A lot. I guess little brothers are s'posed to do that… So don't worry about it. Tell _him _not to worry about it either. And if he's _makin' _you worry, tell him I'll kick his ass!

Seeya later, lil sis.

James


	4. Arcadia

_Bonjour Dixie,_

_I am Acadia, or the french part of New Brunswick as others know me. I know how it feels to be beaten and disbanded, that British bastard did it to me and look at me, I used to be all of Atlantic Canada, New Brunswick, PEI and Nova Scotia, and now look at me, the norther 3ed of New Brunswick. This must be what New England felt like (no there was a beautiful woman) when she became a bunch of states._

_I can't complain though, my wife Beatrice (New Brunswick) was created because of the war._

_Well, goodby for now,_

_From: Samuel "Acadia" Williams._

_P.S. Sorry about you losing your war, I honestly supported you, but, well, you where outnumbered from the start, it's not your fault._

Well _bonjour _yourself, Acadia!

It's good to hear _somebody _can relate… Well, not really. But sure as hell nobody around here does! I mean, it's bad enough having to be part of somebody else, but my jackass of a brother? That's hell right there. The only others I know about like us're Prussia, now East Germany, and that I-talian fella with the tomatoes. I didn't know New England, but probably 'cause she was before my time.

Oh well… I guess I can't complain _that _much, either. North's a total fucking retard, sure, but he means well. And sometimes he's actually kinda a little cute maybe. He's a good kid… Surprised he can _tie his own shoes, _but still. A good kid.

Wife, huh? I'll bet she's a nice lady. You should introduce us sometime.

Thanks for the support, and yea, I _was _outnumbered! _Finally _somebody gets it!

Later,

James


	5. Carolina,North

_Yo Mommy!_

_I'm bored! You freaking broke my freaking Xbox in a homicidal fit of rage, and that time it wasn't even my fault! It was Daddy's! Seriously, dude, what the hell? _

_Oh, and now, we're out of coke. Really? Do you just hate me that much, that you won't even buy your precious little brother coke? What gives? Who was the first to come with you when you seceded? Uh, me? Who stayed with you when everybody else wanted you dead? Alaska? ERN, WRONG, it was me, Carolina! _

_So get off your ass, man, 'cause you're supposed to be the parent here, not me!_

_Every hour that my demands aren't met, I will break one window!_

_Sincerely,_

_William A. Jones! DX (Carolina, your supposed child!)_

Dear _spawn_,

Why the HELL do you still call me 'Mommy'? I'm your _brother, _damnit! Not your parent! And I'm obviously not a woman! Unless you're willin' to check!

I broke your damned Xbox because you kept pissing me off when I was already mad at Union! Stupid kid…

And we're outta coke because YOU drank it all, fucktard! So I'm gonna HAVE to fuckin' buy some more if _I _want any! And now you guilt-trip me? No. NO FUCKING WAY ARE YOU GONNA GUILT TRIP ME, YOU LITTLE BRAT!

Do you even get how hard it is to fight when you're worryin' over a dumb little kid? Yeah, you were with me. Yeah, you went along with everything I did. But were you any help at all? NO! You even managed to get messed up pretty bad toward the end, and do you think THAT helped, me playin' nurse for days?

You wanna fight with me? Billy, I will _end _you, son! I dunno who it was taught you to talk shit, but it sure as hell wasn't me.

I know one thing though. You break a window, I break your arms.

James

P.S.: I am four and a half inches taller than you.


	6. Maine

_Dear James,_

_Ah,I see you have arisen as you said you would. How have you been in the last hundred or so years since you last came up?_

_I do hope they're arent TOO many bad feelings between us. I simply want to extend an olive branch to you as a matter of peace between Maine and the states in the Confederacy._

_With hope,your sister,_

_Alice. R. Jones AKA Maine _

Dear Maine,

Oh, hey there. Uhhh… No, can't say there's any hard feelings. I mean, all's forgiven, blood's blood, y'know. How's life in the North?

I've been around, I just never said nothin'. Never really went away, just kinda hung around for awhile. As for the arising part… Heh… It ain't there _yet… _And unless things get really bad, it might never be.

And that's nice, you actually called me that! I'm glad SOMEBODY does… Carolina don't count.

Anyway, see ya 'round, sis.

James


	7. Carolina,South

_Dear big brother,_

_I'm sorry for how I acted before. I was being a jerk… I'm always a jerk… I don't know why you put up with me…. Why don't you hate me?_

_Please don't be mad at me… I don't mean to be this way… I'm sorry... Why do I always mess up?_

_I love you, big brother…_

_William_

Dear Carolina,

What the hell…? Did you go switching personalities on me again…? Don't do that to me, okay? I'm gonna get whiplash.

Now I look like the bad guy… I guess you didn't _mean _to do it, so it's okay. Don't get so depressed about this stuff, okay? Even though you're easier to deal with when you're being SC…

James


End file.
